The Reason Jennifer Can't Write RoyxEd
by Jennifer Darknight
Summary: Jennifer was just going to write a RoyxEd for her best friend for Valentine’s Day. Then her Muses found out.


**Title: **The Reason Jennifer can't Write RoyxEd

**Pairing:** RoyxEd?, RoyxAl, EdxAlfons

**Rating:** PG

**Genre: **Crack. Pure Crack.

**Dedication:** For my bestest friend, narakunohime, for Valentine's Day.

**Warning:** Yaoi, author!abuse, poking fun of RoyxEd and Elricest, CRACK.

**Disclaimer:** FMA is not mine. So please, please, PLEASE don't sue me!

**Summary:** Jennifer was just going to write a RoyxEd for her best friend for Valentine's Day. Then her Muses found out.

**Note: **This was written during February on my LiveJournal. And the character, Matt, that is referred to, is my boyfriend. XD

* * *

"So…" Alfons Heiderich said slowly, sitting perched on the side of the bed. "Al and I just heard you're doing a RoyxEd."

"Yeah." Jennifer Darknight scribbled a bit more in her notebook, brushing some strands of dark brown hair out of her face. Her glasses fell down again, and she had to push them up, trying her best to ignore the disgruntled German sitting only a foot away from her.

But of course, like most things in her life (like having some sort of semblance to sanity), that just wasn't happening. At all.

"I thought you hated RoyxEd."

"I do." _No, that doesn't sound right. Even if it IS RoyxEd, I still have to keep it in character…which means that Ed doesn't bottom…but Roy wouldn't bottom either! What the hell am I going to do?! Megumi-chan, you're KILLING ME! _"But for friends, one must make a few sacrifices. RoyxEd is her OTP, after all."

"Didn't she say she liked RoyxAl, too?" Was his voice almost hopeful? Jennifer chose to ignore it.

"She prefers RoyxEd." _Wait…does Ed giving Roy chocolate even sound right? Well, it makes more sense than him bending him over the desk…_ "And Alfons, will you quit talking to me? You're distracting. It's hard enough to write this scene without you whining over there. If you stop, I'll let you top next fanfic."

"I'm only trying to help you." He said softly. "Wait, how far along are you?"

"Two pages." _NO, I can't make this a EdxRoyxAl where RoyxAl wins out—that's putting too much emphasis on my own pet pairings, and not taking enough consideration into her own OTP! But…NO! I must not give into the temptation to scrap this and make this a pure RoyxAl fanfic! God, she'd KILL me!_

"Oh, good. You're far enough along for today Jennifer, I really think you should just stop"

"Alfons, I already told you; this is for Megumi's sake! I'm not going to just back down because you told me to and…oh HELL, I just mentioned you in this line! Now I have to erase it! Thanks a LOT, Alfons!" _Dammit! I can't make this an EdxAlfons either! If I do that, then I'm completely going against her OTP! She's not even that big a fan of EdxAlfons to begin with!!! _

"I'm serious Jennifer, now would be a good time to sto"

"WHERE THE HELL IS SHE?!"

"…too late."

Jennifer didn't even blink as the voice of Edward Elric boomed through the room, hearing the door crack against the wall (_Heather's going to kill me when she finds out that he's the reason the door keeps breaking_) as he stomped towards her. She could already see him in her mind's eye: long blond hair falling down his shoulder in obvious disarray, nearly dislodged from his ponytail, his expression grim as golden eyes _flared_, focused on her form as she continued to write.

But she was used to that by now. After she mentioned the genderswitch idea to Ed that one time (and he had done more than just 'blow up' over that one), she was ready to handle anything the shorter man had decided to throw at her.

"Hey, Ed." Maybe it wasn't a good idea to be so casual with him when he was this pissed; but she had to get this done or her soul was going to die—not like it wasn't dying already from her _writing_ it.

"So…having fun making me fuck Colonel Shit?"

"None at all." Jennifer said, scratching a few lines down. "Actually, it's a pain in the ass. I really just want you and Alfons to have hot man-love in the middle of Mustang's office complete with chocolate syrup and sweetheart candies, but A) I can't write that with a straight face, B) you two would be mortified, and C) I have to make this RoyxEd for Megumi-chan."

"Hey, I kind of like chocolate syrup…" Alfons's voice trailed off, and Jennifer looked up from the notebook simply to glare at him.

"_**NO**_."

"After the broom closet incident, I think I have the right to come up with a few ideas."

"The _last_ time you came up with ideas, Alfons, I nearly got killed. Seriously, you ought to know that Ed is squicked by Genderswitch…"

"THAT WAS YOU?!" Scandalized? Frightened? Infuriated? Betrayed? Yeah. That sounded about right.

"Oh come on, Ed…"

"'Come on', nothin'! How would you like it if YOU were turned into a girl?!"

"Well, if you ask me, you treat me like I AM a woman…"

"_**Anyway**_." A sigh escaped Jennifer's lips, but her pencil still wasn't moving. _I'm not going to get this done at this rate…I'm nearing the deadline, and Megumi-chan's going to be so disappointed if I come out empty-handed…_ "Look. I have some stuff I have to do, so if you guys would just go away for a few minutes"

"No, I don't think I'm going to do that. I came in here for a _reason_."

"To try to stop me, which I'm not doing."

"I think I can change your mind about that."

"No." _Damn it—won't he SHUT UP?!_ "I don't think you can. Unless you have some damn good alternative idea, or a lot of money on you to bribe me out of it, I'm not stopping until this is done."

"Well…all right." If she had just looked up right then, she would have seen the smirk playing on his face, as well as Alfons hiding his head in his hands before making his quiet (yet hasty) exit from the line of fire. God knew Ed was going to kill him after this anyway. "Matt likes Elricest, doesn't he?"

"Um, no…actually he doesn…WAIT." Green eyes finally shot up, only to catch a shit-eating grin thrown her way, golden eyes almost…_amused_.

Jennifer decided to choose her words carefully. "What are you planning to do?"

"Oh, nothing really." Ed said, grin ever-present on his face. "Just sending Matt our regards."

_Regards…Oh no. OH GOD. They wouldn't!_

"…you wouldn't."

"Mustang's scouring the Elricest community as we speak."

"Mustang's in on it too?!"

"He's still sort of pissed about you making him drug Al last fanfic. That and you haven't updated that stupid Teacher-Student fic of yours for awhile."

"Look, you can't send him that stuff." Jennifer wouldn't be able to live with the shame. It would be too awful. It would be the equivalent of sitting in a Weiss Kreuz Gluhen convention, saying with gritted teeth that she LIKED Youji's new design, and that no, Ken _didn't_ look like a Blade Runner reject. And…and saying that _Aya_ was her favorite character, for the love of God. "You…" she could feel her throat constrict, her voice start to choke up. "You just _can't_."

"I dunno. I think he might just like the Armor!Sex that Mustang's dug up. God knows I don't."

"Armor!Sex?! Oh, my _GOD_. Ed, you have to stop this, please! Don't do this!"

"And what'll I get out of it?"

"Look, just tell me what you want and I'll try to accommodate for you"

"_Try_?"

"FINE." God, he was going to die. He knew he had her cornered and he was _loving every second of it_, the bastard. She didn't even _torture_ him that much; she didn't see what his problem was. Sure, it was RoyxEd, and she usually paired him up with either Alfons or someone with boobs (whoring him out to numerous female characters wasn't too hard on either of them, and since Alfons got the same treatment, he didn't even mind all that much either), but usually it was just a few indignant squawks and that was it. Something had to have _really_ gone wrong for him to do something like this. And have Mustang in on it, besides. "I WILL accommodate for you. Happy?"

"Much. First, you can start by not pairing me with Colonel-Bastard."

"But…!"

"_Elricest_."

"Megumi-chan, I'm so sorry…"

"Was that a 'Yes, Ed, whatever you say'?"

"You're a bastard." Jennifer growled between gritted teeth. "And yes, it was. Is that it? You just want me to stop writing the RoyxEd?"

"No."

A sigh. She should have known that it wouldn't have been _that_ easy.

"I want a genderswitch. With Alfons as the girl."

"Oh GOD no. He'd KILL me. He's already pissed off enough about the threesome I'm going to be putting him in!"

"Does Matt like genderswitch Elricest, too?"

"DAMN IT ALL TO HELL. FINE! YOU KNOW WHAT?! I'LL GIVE YOU BETTER. I'LL GIVE YOU ALFONS MANPREG, HOW ABOUT THAT?! HUH?!"

It was in this rant that Jennifer learned a very important lesson:

Listen to your muses.

Or else they will hurt you.


End file.
